Nov 3, 2005

The Ideal Guy

ALL A GIRL WANTS IS...By Trixie Kwan

. . . A MAN more desirable than herself: a gay man.

It seems straight men are increasingly falling short of what it takes to turn a girl on, and it is becoming apparent that all the good men really are taken or unattainable. Since high school, I’ve been falling in love all over the place with gorgeous men, only to find out that they think women “look like trees” and that they’d sooner floss their teeth than kiss a girl.

Gay designer guys in TV show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.Usually, they end up being close friends and fabulous buddies for ransacking the clubs and discussing the intricacies of dating men over cheap drinks. So near yet so far.

Having been surrounded by gay men since my teens and earned that coveted label of fag-hag in my early 20s, I feel qualified in saying that straight men will never quite live up to the standards that gay men have set (at least not in this decade). And they can never ever, on the whole, be as beautiful in the same way.

You need only consider the boys who are sexing up the architectural bones of boom cities and turning our favourite glossy mags, svelte novels, shocking TV programmes and store front windows into veritable aphrodisiacs to know that most of them aren’t straight, and far from strait-laced. And they aren’t just exquisite on their own – they bless us with beautiful things too, as if their fingers spun gold!

What I mean to point out is that many a gay man has what it takes for a girl, in a way that straight men rarely do. It’s common enough to hear girls discussing the immaculate, brilliant qualities of a boy, only to throw up their hands and resign themselves to the fact that, “He’s probably gay!”

And often, it’s true.

I had a close gay friend, Tom, in my late teens who made all straight boys look like cheap alternatives. He was always attired in the best of Indie vintage, had the face of an angel, and the sex-appeal of the devil. He was also smart enough to get headhunted by one of Britain’s top dailies, and cooked a mean risotto.
Tom was ridiculously shallow, and yet, serious enough to make you realise he did care for you an awful lot . . . that is, until the next desirable boy came along to distract his attention!

Tom had an especially potent way with words, weaving fascinating stories out of nothing and making nasty insults sound quite flattering. It’s true what they say about the brain being an erogenous zone, and Tom, like many gay men I’ve met, knew just the right spots to press without even trying.

The most intelligent, most charming, wittiest, most desirably flirty boys I’ve known – boys with the most original sense of humour, immaculate grooming skills, excellent taste and ability to listen when you talk – have not been straight.

At the very least, they’ve been straight boys who dared experiment, or got off their heterosexual high horse to realise that the other side of the fence isn’t quite so horrifying.

You see, there is nothing as off-putting and pathetic as a straight man who brandishes his heterosexuality about, as if the assertion of homophobia and straightness would confirm his very assured sense of masculinity to everyone else. How very boring.

A girl tires easily of Male Chauvinist Pigs, and her endearing gay friends who don’t feel the constant need to remind us of their manliness and sexuality earn a magic place in her heart.

After all, all a girl wants is a beautiful, intelligent boy with aesthetic sensibilities and the ability to make a girl blush with his dexterous flirting skills and magnificent haircuts.

Unfortunately, they are unattainable, and the only reason they’re so darned attractive in the first place is precisely because they’re not straight, and have no intention of ever being so.

And so, straight boys have many tricks to learn from boys who bat for the other team . . .

In the meantime, girls shall continue to indulge in the chimeras of wonderfully unattainable boys who shall never desire them, no matter how beautiful they are.

1 comment:

Miss Cellania said...

At this point, I'd settle for a caveman.